it's me, katie, i used to have a pic of gisele in a red bra. my new one is jenny lewis, my IDOL.

anyway, went for a run tonight.. i'm building my endurance back up, and i'm dropping pounds. seriously ladies, cardio takes care of EVERY area - even your stomach!

i also wanted to remind everyone to take vitamins every day. i know i sound like a mom, but let's face it - we don't eat "correctly". if you take a multivitamin every day though, you can avoid being hospitalized for low potassium, low calcium, and a number of different things. and besides - why not?

that's my random talk for the evening. hope you're all doing SO well!

<3katie

hello people. i'm only going to use my LJ for the proanorexia community. i do keep a journal on xanga though... if you'd like to have the link to it just ask!

<3katie

my 22nd birthday is next Thursday. a week away. i've been really depressed lately, and i have linked it to my upcoming birthday. i feel like i've wasted a lot of time. i haven't been able to eat like a normal person for years, and i still fight an eating disorder every day. i spent three years at longwood, and dropped out. i did have some great times there that i will NEVER forget, but as far as the convential meaning of "succeeding", i definitely didn't. then i came home from longwood and during that summer i managed to make the biggest mistake of my life, one that will haunt me forever. in the midst of this, i got my own apartment with one of my sorority sisters/best friend in the Fan - she has since moved out to live with her parents and we don't speak anymore. from then on out, i absolutely lost my mind, was finally properly diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorder. so, i decided to try out vcu... not the best next step. i never went to class and ended up dropping out. in december i have severe kidney problems and multiple stones and now i'm left with hospital bills i can't pay. ALSO in december, my family fell apart because of some bad decisions that were made, and are resulting in jail time for one of my closest family members - this did NOT help the whole unstable/crazy thing i had going on. after i was well enough to stop writhing in pain from kidney stones, i worked at a job i hated for two months, and just recently started one that i LOVE, but i don't know how i'm ever going to pay the bills... it's a non-profit organization, which means TINY paychecks. and because of all of the crazy shit listed above, i'm afraid to actually meet NEW people, for fear of them realizing that i'm a MESS.
so to sum up, i am still:
-eating disordered (and still fat)
-quickly becoming anti-social
-a failure college-wise
-legally fucking insane
-$20,000+ in debt..
and i still don't know what i'm doing with my life.
i'm trying to pull myself together. i've got plans for this year. i'm looking for a better apartment, i'm trying hard to get my bills and student loans paid, and i really do want to go back to vcu in the fall to finish my english degree. and even though i think shrinks are full of shit, i'll keep going, and maybe something good will come of it, besides me paying someone 300 an hour to tell me shit i already know. and as for meeting new people and starting over,  i'm clueless, and really just don't have the energy.
none of this stupid ranting has even began to scratch the surface. i must say though, that i have the most incredible boyfriend. he's been in love with me since we were 12, and he really is my rock in life. if i didn't have him, i wouldn't be here anymore, literally.
i'll stop blabbing now. this all probably makes no sense, since i'm on lots on sedatives.
the point is: i thought i'd be a lot further than this at 22.

170 calories today... and my boyfriend didn't even say anything when i didn't want dinner! i like when that happens... i hate that battle. so i've lost 3.5 pounds now... i'm a little worried about being able to do 15 by april!! we'll see. good luck everyone on the april 1st diet! =)

doing relatively well on the diet - my weight hasn't changed in two or three days though... i'm hoping that's just because i'm on my period. once the water weight is gone i hope to see something TOTALLY different on the scale.

hopefully i can go to the gym today. or at least use my own treadmill. i'm always so fatigued when i'm on my period... it sucks.

my 22nd birthday is on march 29th. that's two and a half weeks. i need to be AT LEAST ten pounds thinner. my family is very judgemental, and when i gained my recovery weight, i HATED the looks on their faces. at least i have motivation. 

the only thing holding me back is my boyfriend. he knows what i'm up to, and it's also not easy to lie to him. i can't just say "i ate earlier", he knows when i'm lying. and i hate hate hate having a fight with him over this every day... ugh..

hope you lovlies are doing fantastic,
<3katie

THE PLAN.

March 9th: 200 cals
March 10th: 400 cals
March 11th: 600 cals
March 12th: 200 cals
March 13th: 400 cals
March 14th: 600 cals
March 15th: 200 cals
March 16th: 400 cals

March 17th: Fasting
March 18th: Fasting
March 19th: Fasting
March 20th: Fasting - Going on scale (hoping to have lost around 5-8 lbs)

March 21st: 200 cals
March 22nd: 400 cals
March 23rd: 600 cals
March 24th: 200 cals
March 25th: 400 cals
March 26th: 600 cals
March 27th: 200 cals
March 28th: 400 cals

March 29th: Fasting
March 30th: Fasting
March 31st: Fasting
April 1st: Fasting - Going on scale (hoping to have lost a total of 15 lbs)

lots of other girls from the proanorexia site are doing this too... i'll be posting my progress! <3

i was 157.4 this morning. i'm down a lot from where i started (178).

still have SO FAR to go. i'd love to be down to 140 by christmas. that gives me 18 days... i hope i can do it. i guess since i only have a little over 2 weeks i need to start getting serious! i go to the gym about 6 days a week, 7 if i can help it. i need to start doing better with food - eat less and choose better foods when i do eat.


in other news, my "best friend", who is also my roommate, told me 2 days ago that she's moving to another state. fucking sucks, and puts me in a bad situation b/c i can't afford this place by myself... i'll keep you all updated on this random situation.

<3

well. a new month starts. i've lost 10 lbs since november 17. not THAT great, i know, but if it comes off slower, isn't it more likely to stay off?

i'm skipping out on work today because i feel like shit - i'm pretty sure i have the flu... i think i've killed my immune system. years of doing this to your body will do that, i suppose.

i want to be down to my first goal weight by new years... that's 15-20 lbs lighter. think i can do it in a month?

random: my boyfriend got me a pink RAZR phone for xmas - i absolutely adore it, AND him. =)

much love! hope yall are going great! <3

today was... horrible. i haven't been this completely grossed out by my own body in a long time. =(

i'm leaving for colorado on a plane in about 7 hours.. i'll be there until friday. i'm excited to see my family, but it will be weird because my grandpa died this summer and this will be the first holiday without him. =(

i'm also worried about food. at this point i'm fully motivated to avoid it at all costs, but my family will notice.. i think i'll tell them i'm sick. i'm just so tired of being FAT that i dont even want to look at food at ALL.

i hope thanksgiving goes well for everyone else...i'll be checking lj while i'm gone, so leave messages if you want. =)


my mantra this week: "if i eat today, i'll be fat."

i'm entirely new to this. i'm looking to meet some people (mostly girls) with the same goals i have...